A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earnhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?

(Many thanks to Richard Alfano for this great laugh)

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):


 -Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
 - Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
 - A room temperature IQ.
 - Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
 - A prime candidate for natural deselection.
 - Bright as Alaska in December.
 - Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
 - So dense, light bends around him.
 - If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
 - If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
 - Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
 - Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

bullet  -His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
 - I would not breed from this officer.
 - He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
 - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
 - This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
 - Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
 - She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
 - He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
 - Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
 - This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.